Fear and Courage

“Why did G-d create fear?” my 7-year old daughter asked me one morning when we were sitting at the kitchen table sharing a moment over a cup of tea. I thought about the question and answered, “how would we know courage if we didn’t know fear?”

That seemed to satisfy her mind and as she mulled over my rather paradoxical answer, it struck me that this is the paradox that I’m sitting with as I contemplate my pending journey up Mount Kilimanjaro.

I am the type of person who seeks challenges. The bigger the fear, the greater the challenge and the more enticing the goal. Fear draws me closer with brain chatter going at full speed as I contemplate the fact that fear will not be the thing that stops me from doing something that I want to do. A lack of desire may leave many things undone in my life but fear draws me closer, beckoning me to come and play. If I fear it, then there is something worthwhile about the goal.

So when climbing Kilimanjaro arrived on my bucket list a few years ago, I had regarded it as something that I will do… someday! And now someday has arrived – with a perfect opportunity that has fallen into my lap – a women’s trip for a cause that I believe in and am already committed to and with all the complicated logistics taken care of! I can’t say no to this. There would be no excuse… saying no would be succumbing to fear.

And what am I most afraid of?

·       The bitter cold - I’m the first person to pull out the boots as the summer sun begins to fade away

·       My full schedule that barely leaves me time for myself let alone take on a rigorous training programme

·       Roughing it for 7 days with minimal washing and other important facilities. I am the one who loves luxury and revels in staying in comfortable hotels with top class facilities

·       Not having my husband with me who has been at my side for every challenge I’ve taken on so far in my life

So why am I doing this?

·       To experience the truth of the paradox that in order to experience courage, I need to feel the fear and do it anyway

·       To conquer a literal mountain as a symbolic journey of the many challenges and mountains we conquer in our lives

·       To enjoy a truly spiritual experience. I feel closest to G-d in the most untouched and natural settings. This is where I see true spiritual magnificence that transcends our daily living and shows us a world that was designed in way that defies comprehension. In such spaces we can just be ourselves

·       To honour women all over the world who have been an inspiration in people’s lives – we will be carrying these women in our hearts as we climb

So there it is – I’m scared and I’m doing it!

by Daphna Horowitz

24 April 2012

A walk in the Park

“You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.

And you know what you know.

And you are the one who’ll decide where to go…” ~ Dr. Seuss.

I imagined that by 30 I would be married, living in a house with a white picket fence, with at least 2.5 kids and 2.5 dogs running around… That’s how this is meant to turn out, isn’t it?

I stuck to the beaten track, the one that leads to the picket fence.

Undergrad and honours degree…tick.

Rewarding career…tick.

Long-term relationship…tick.

Driven by society’s expectations, my family’s expectations and my own impossible expectations.

I was always uncomfortable in the mould.

So, I nipped and tucked until I could squeeze myself in.  Then, I waited for my life story to begin, biding my time until it did. I was going according to the check-list, but couldn’t help feeling that there must be more. I couldn’t see the joy and made no effort to find it.

And then, it all changed. I simply made the choice, I am in charge; I am responsible for this life. I choose to believe that there is nothing more profound than this day, the thousand big moments embedded in this day, the moments of forgiveness, courage, fear, happiness, sadness, regret and hope.

Along the way I had forgotten what I’m made of, how much I’m capable of, how strong I am, how resilient I am. I had forgotten that I have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, and a soul worth tending.

So, the journey began...

In a single year, my long-term relationship ended; I moved twice; I was involved in 2 robberies, one armed; I jumped out of a plane and swung across a stadium; I scuba dived in paradise; I zip-lined above a canopy; I picked up a guitar; I explored my creativity; I appreciated my old friends and made new ones.

I relied on my family, especially my mom.

I rediscovered strength in her that I aspired to as a little girl. I owe my compassion, my determination, my courage, my level-headedness to her. She is my inspiration. Her mountains were cancer, motherhood, entering the workforce at 40, obtaining a degree at 43, a marriage ending. She now has her health, 3 thriving and happy children, a successful career and love. All who know her and love her are passengers on her journey. There is no mountain she can’t climb.

Armed with this new lease on life, I opened myself to the universe knowing that opportunities would present themselves.

I met Shira in my honours year, a bubbly, crazy-smart girl whose positive energy was contagious. That energy made me feel like I can conquer the world. I’m not a glass-half-full, save-the-world kind of girl, but Shira made me feel like I could be.

We lost touch and have seen each other twice since varsity.

Over coffee this year, Shira spoke of climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, she spoke of a group of women climbing in support of women who face challenges that we can’t even begin to imagine every single day. This resonated in every fibre of my being. I was in.

Then, I started to think about climbing Kili, about the cause and had many discussions with different people. In one of these conversations, a wise male friend asked me what being a woman means to me, what is feminism, what it means to empower women, do I realise what I could do with this opportunity? In all honesty, I hadn’t ever really really thought about it.

But, that isn’t the point.

The point is that now I know what I don’t know. It is an opportunity to learn and pass that knowledge on. Each personal discovery births new questions, new wonders, new boundaries to be breached, new mountains to climb.

Empowering myself to empower others.

This is bigger than the group; we can take this idea beyond our wildest imaginations.

Am I climbing this mountain just because it’s there, to say I’ve done it, to get to the top, or is there something more?  For the physical and mental challenges; the agony and the ecstasy? The spiritual journey? To be involved in a worthy cause? To share this experience with an optimistic, strong group of women who see the change that is possible in the world? To travel? To meet and get to know the locals? To replace boredom and restlessness? To learn? For the journey?

…Yes.

I don’t want Kilimanjaro to be another check box on a to-do list or just a “once in a lifetime experience”, I want it to be an opportunity to learn, I want it to be the beginning of many more life changing experiences.

Suddenly anything seems possible. It’s not the aptitude, but your attitude, that determines your altitude! 

Today is my big moment, moments, really. The life I’ve been waiting for is happening all around me. I have yet to appreciate this.

This is it. This is life.

By Siobhan Wilson

Inspiration

Meet Robyn Smookler - the heart, soul and brains behind our inspiring journey. In her communications with the members of the Kili team, she alternately calls us affectionately "Tribe" and "Dream Team". If we are her Tribe, than she is no doubt the chieftain, and if we are her "Dream Team" - she is unequivocally the Master Dreamer who pulled this assembly of disparate women together into a cohesive entity with one goal. And she did it because of her passionate belief in a critical cause.

Robyn is the Manager of ORT's youngest initiative - the Women's Empowerment Division which opened towards the end of 2011 in response to a growing awareness that countless vulnerable women are in need of far more than a monthly welfare package. ORT, as an organisation is committed to "Educating people for life". Their scope is vast; their dreams ambitious. ORT affiliates go into South Africa's townships to reach and inspire school children. They train educators countrywide, emphasising excellence in the education of maths and science. They provide guidance and workshops to facilitate financial independence and help struggling / start-up businesses through their training initiatives and mentoring programmes.

Since the inception of the Women's Empowerment Division, Robyn's database has collected the names of 300 women who find themselves rearing children alone - for all the reasons you can think of and probably more. They are widowed, divorced, abandoned. They have been abused and have been courageous enough to walk away from their tormentors. In the past 6 months, Robyn's  department has trained over 100 women in the areas of computer skills, financial planning and budgeting, motivation and goal-setting not to mention facilitating job placement. Significantly, Robyn has created and initiated a free legal intervention programme to assist divorcees whose ex-husbands renege on child support and alimony commitments. But Robyn's vision is broader than this. She is working towards the opening of a Women's Empowerment Academy - a place to train marketable skills in order to secure meaningful, sustainable employment. This is a dream to raise hope and restore dignity.

Robyn's dream emerged over the past 6 months when daily contact with some of the women under her watchful care revealed the mountain of their daily burdens. Many of them were working full time, but for meagre incomes, remuneration that forced them into making decisions about whether they could supply the roof over their children's heads or the food in the fridge and needing to sacrifice basic necessities in a horrendous juggling act of deprivation and desperation.  These mothers needed hope; they needed respite. Robyn reasoned, what if there were a group of women, able-bodied, willing, brave enough to conquer a real mountain in support of women facing metaphoric mountains every day? For some of her charges, true courage involves getting out of bed every single day and doing what needs to be done for their families. What if a group of women faced the challenges of extreme altitude, temperatures of -25 degrees; physical exertion and exhaustion in order to raise awareness and funds that would enable a climb out of despair, a climb towards hope? Thus, the Kili Team was born. 

The call went out and was answered by a diverse group of women. Married and single, mothers and sisters, Jewish, Christian, Hindu. 18 women, professionals in every possible sphere of human endeavour committed themselves to taking on Africa's tallest mountain on 9 August.  On National Women's Day, Robyn's "Tribe"  will climb Mt Kilimanjaro to pledge their support of women across all our communities and pay tribute to their innate strength and bravery in facing what many of us would think of as unimaginable challenges every single day. 

If you believe as we do, that the best way to give to someone is to equip them not with a food parcel but with the ability to earn, not with a welfare cheque but with marketable skills, not with gratefulness but with dignity - then join us on our incredible journey.

Pledge your support in honour of a special woman in your life - either in memory of  a precious soul who inspired you, or by acknowledging someone special in your life now. This can be someone who who overcame or currently does battle with, her own mountains. It can be someone who gave you the certainty and strength to rise to your own challenges. For all the women you love and to whom you pay tribute, send us your pledge and a photo. With the photos, we will create a banner -  a symbol of love and triumph in the face of adversity which will be with us every step of our momentous journey. We will carry the women who have loved, nurtured and carried you in order to pave the way forward for other women who in turn need to become the banners and inspiration for the people in their lives. This is just the beginning. Climb with us by reaching out and up. Join the Kili Team as we break through our own personal barriers to inspire, enable, uplift and ultimately empower.

For more information on how you can support this worthwhile cause, contact Robyn at: robyn@ortjet.org.za

by Tali Frankel

Intention

I recently finished reading Andre Agassi's autobiography "Open", the absorbing and inspiring story of one of tennis' greatest sons. The tale is an unexpected one and speaks more about dedication, loyalty and sheer determination than any misguided sense you may have that Agassi actually loved the game. In fact he asserts many times, just in case you don't believe him or continue to operate under the delusion that he comes to love tennis, the man hated the sport - consistently, unrelentingly, passionately. What ultimately made him successful was his growing sense of self, his acceptance of the contradictions and paradoxes in his own character and his understanding that the decision to actively, consciously choose what you do, can make all the difference between success and failure.  Towards the end of the book he speaks of the Andre Agassi College Preparatory Academy, a tuition-free charter school he established in his hometown Las Vegas, in one the city's most dilapidated areas, for at-risk children. The school is one of the achievements he is most proud of, ironic considering its founder and namesake dropped out of school in Grade 9. In his conclusion, he encourages us to seek those incongruities that make up our personalities, the conflicts and inconsistencies that dictate and underscore all the whys of our actions.

By nature I am risk-averse. I like routine. I like things to be familiar. I am scared of leaning too far beyond the safe barriers of what contains and prescribes my responsible existence. I am after all a wife, mother of three and an important contributor to our household's financial stability. Yet, I am also disinclined towards failure. Throw down a gauntlet anywhere in my vicinity, challenge me and the reaction is like a dare to a teenager high on a sense of their own invincibility. I will pursue a goal, any goal, even one unsafe and far outside my comfort zone for a taste of that perpetuity. Tell me I won't and I'll exceed your expectations. Tell me I can't and I'll make you forget you ever had any doubts.

Last year, I became obsessed with the idea of running the Comrades Marathon. It hit me suddenly, while running my dreaded 30 minutes on my least favourite instrument of torture, in my poorly ventilated gym - the treadmill. I wanted to run something bigger, better, more difficult... the most difficult. Within 2 months I was running 10 kms. I had joined the Bedfordview Running Club, which entailed rising at ungodly hours, driving though inky black and running until the sun rose. I was soon running 50 kms a week. I was also soon nursing a persistent ITB injury. Bouts of physio followed  by rest followed by exercise followed by more running and a return of the inflammation eventually forced me to confront the fact that running 10 kms let alone 87 kms was really not a very good idea. Was I disappointed? Most definitely. Did it leave a gaping hole of desire where my Comrades dream had briefly shone and unceremoniously died? I have to say, not consciously. Was I poised, primed, ready and waiting for the next thing, anything to come my way? Maybe.

There is no real explanation for why when just a few weeks ago an unexpected bbm arrived from a friend who is the Fund-raising and Marketing Manager for ORT JET SA, inviting me to climb Mt Kilimanjaro in support of one of their newest initiatives, the reaction was an immediate, visceral assent. (Yes, play on the word "ascent" was intended!) The invitation stated, "If it's something you've always dreamed of doing..." I had to laugh. Me? Dream of climbing a mountain? The tallest  mountain in Africa? The highest freestanding mountain in the world. Had I dreamed of this? Hilarious! Me of the structured bed time routines, inflexible homework schedules, slightly (ok, not so slightly) obsessive creator of highlighted, cross-referenced lists. Me, who lives my life rigidly within carefully delineated and self-created parameters - I would never dream of climbing Mt Kilimanjaro. Yet, within seconds, I knew I was on board. I was exhilarated. I was terrified.

And what does that say about me?  I am afraid to dream, that I dare to dream. That I crave safety and certainty, but I secretly harbour a yearning for adventure. That I am disciplined and rigid, but that same determination will sustain hours of training and preparation to allow me something magical and inspiring. I tend to look in, to engage in self-reflection, self-doubt, self-criticism - but what I really want is to look up and out, to gain perspective from a higher vantage point. I want to be inspired, but I also want to inspire. Is Agassi right? Does our greatest strength come not from a certainty about who we are, but the ability to accept that we are a compilation of incongruities; a composition in progress, a song with the lyrics still being written, every day, every moment we exist and learn and discover.

Why should I want to climb to almost 6000m above sea level through five different climate zones and a night of darkness and ice to meet dawn at the top of Africa? I don't know. Why shouldn't I? The adventure has begun.

by Tali Frankel