One step at a time

I want a refund! This is NOT what I signed up for. I felt it pretty safe to assume that with my decision to climb Kilimanjaro- I would receive in my welcome pack- an airticket, hiking boots, a measure of super human physical strength, determination that knows no bounds and mental stamina to boot!? I think I may have received the wrong pack because in my pack I see 5am battles- me verse the snooze button. I feel daily challenges on so many levels -whether to haul myself out of bed in the dark and cold for a training session or whether to stay snug and have a few more minutes of nurturing rest, whether to opt for the bar one topped cheesecake or the withering veggie platter at social functions (and if the latter wins you get many comments on the lines of ’you are obsessed with this kili thing, do you know moderation is important’ and if the former wins- you get bulging eyes that ‘say’ are you sure you should be eating that if you want to be summiting Africa’s highest mountain). I did not sign on any dotted line nor willingly consent to waking up on Monday mornings, after a Sunday hike, so stiff that climbing a few steps feels like conquering an entire mountain… To stay motivated is a challenge, to not be overcome with fear is a challenge, to keep recommitting daily to this commitment is the ultimate challenge…

In my desperate search for the refund office, I stumbled upon a mountain that I began to climb- I don’t think there is any place/situation that gives you as much perspective on life, as an unforgiving mountain does. I began climbing this mountain, so steep and high, that when you looked up it seemed the peak was kissing the heavens. The trek began with a gradual incline and increased steadily. We climbed steeply, breathing deeply, snackpacks and supplies weighing on our backs, to a point where the rocks were so huge that the only way up was to hoist yourself with chains and ropes. At this point the luxury of a landing for your feet was taken away and it was pure upper body strength, the ropes and determination that would be my ticket to the top. It required immense upper body strength to manoeuvre these boulders, strength I didn’t know that I possessed. I got to one point, where before me was a boulder atleast 4 times my height. It was at that point that I felt I didn’t have the strength to continue. There was just too much still ahead and the physical burden was too intense. At that point I felt an enormous conflict, do I have the will and strength to go on or do I turn back now…

 I had never climbed that mountain before, but I so clearly recognised that place. That is the exact spot where I have stood before and said “I have a goal, I want to reach the top, but the climb is too high, too steep, I don’t have the strength, I want to turn back”. That is the exact place where we give up, where we succumb to fear and doubt. That is the exact place where so many of us stop and either spend the rest of our lives ‘stuck’ or even turn back and then live with the regret of what we could have achieved.

Standing on a minute spot of ground that day, a spot so small and fragile it only held the toes of one of my feet in place. I made a decision; I decided that no matter what- I am going up- one step at a time, one breath at a time, with patience and humility. I realised that the end goal is just the cherry on the top compared to a constant journey of courage. Yes I reached the top of the mountain that day, but really, I reached a place within myself much higher and deeper. I ignited a spark of courage within, which will stand as a constant light to remind me ‘impossible is nothing’. And at the same time I realised that what I had infact received in my ‘welcome pack’ was an invitation. An invitation to explore unlimited potential, an invitation to conquer every one of life’s ‘mountains’ and an invitation to expand my heart and open space for 19 new sisters, new teachers, new friends. And at the bottom of that pack I found a dare- A dare to be brave, to live my truth and to inspire others- one step at a time… I invite you to hold my hand and let us walk this journey together
by Robyn Smookler